As parents, we dedicate our lives to nurturing, protecting, and guiding our children. We celebrate their triumphs and comfort them through their scraped knees and broken hearts. Yet, there are some struggles that remain hidden, shrouded in silence and shame, making them incredibly difficult to spot. One of the most heartbreaking of these is self-harm.
The thought that your child might be intentionally hurting themselves is terrifying. It’s a topic that can feel overwhelming, frightening, and deeply personal. However, understanding the signs and knowing how to respond can make all the difference in getting your child the help they need. This isn’t about blame or judgment; it’s about awareness, empathy, and support.
What is Self-Harm?
At its core, self-harm is not typically a suicide attempt, though it carries that risk. Instead, it’s a coping mechanism – a way for a young person to deal with intense emotional pain, distress, or overwhelming feelings that they feel unable to express or manage in other ways. It’s often a desperate attempt to feel something when numb, to release unbearable tension, to punish oneself, or to regain a sense of control.
It’s crucial to remember that self-harm is a sign of deep distress, not a cry for attention.
Why Do Young People Self-Harm? The Underlying Pain
The reasons behind self-harm are complex and varied, but they almost always stem from significant emotional pain. Some common triggers and underlying issues include:
- Overwhelming Emotions: Feeling intense sadness, anger, anxiety, shame, guilt, or emptiness that feels unbearable.
- Stress and Pressure: Academic pressure, social difficulties, family conflicts, bullying (online or offline), or major life changes.
- Trauma: Experiencing abuse, neglect, or other traumatic events.
- Mental Health Conditions: Self-harm is often linked to underlying mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, or PTSD.
- A Sense of Control: When a young person feels powerless in their life, self-harm can provide a temporary, albeit destructive, sense of control over their body or pain.
- Self-Punishment: Believing they deserve to be hurt due to perceived failures or guilt.
- Feeling Numb: Hurting themselves to feel something when overwhelmed by emotional numbness or dissociation.
- Isolation: Feeling alone, misunderstood, or unable to talk to anyone about their feelings.
Signs to Look Out For: Physical Indicators
While self-harm can manifest in many ways, some physical signs might be visible. It’s important to note that these signs, on their own, don’t definitively mean self-harm, but they warrant further, gentle investigation.
- Unexplained Cuts or Scratches: Particularly on arms, wrists, legs, stomach, or other areas that are easily concealed by clothing. These might appear as patterns or lines.
- Burns: Small, unexplained burns on the skin.
- Bruises: Frequent or unusual bruising, especially if the explanation seems vague or inconsistent.
- Scars: Old or new scars that don’t seem to have a clear origin.
- Wearing Long Sleeves or Trousers Constantly: Especially in warm weather or when inside, as a way to conceal injuries.
- Keeping Skin Covered: Becoming unusually secretive about their body or avoiding situations where skin might be exposed (e.g., swimming, sports).
- Finding Tools: Discovering sharp objects, razors, broken glass, lighters, or other items that could be used for self-harm in their belongings or room.
Signs to Look Out For: Emotional and Behavioural Changes
Often, the emotional and behavioural signs are the first indicators that a young person is struggling, even before physical signs become apparent. These are crucial to recognise:
- Withdrawal and Isolation: Pulling away from family and friends, spending more time alone, or becoming less engaged in activities they once enjoyed.
- Changes in Mood: Persistent sadness, irritability, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, or frequent mood swings.
- Loss of Interest: No longer enjoying hobbies, school, or social activities.
- Changes in Sleep Patterns: Sleeping significantly more or less than usual, or having trouble sleeping.
- Changes in Eating Habits: Significant weight loss or gain, or changes in eating patterns.
- Low Self-Esteem: Expressing feelings of worthlessness, self-hatred, or being a burden.
- Difficulty Coping with Emotions: Struggling to manage stress, frustration, or disappointment, often leading to outbursts or extreme reactions.
- Talking About Self-Harm or Death: Making direct or indirect statements about wanting to hurt themselves, feeling hopeless, or wishing they weren’t alive. Always take these statements seriously.
- Increased Secrecy: Becoming unusually secretive about their online activity, phone, or personal belongings.
- Risky or Reckless Behaviour: Engaging in other dangerous activities, substance misuse, or reckless actions.
- Lack of Future Plans: Expressing a lack of hope for the future or inability to imagine a positive future.
How to Approach Your Child: When You Suspect Self-Harm
If you notice any of these signs, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed. However, your response is critical.
- Stay Calm and Approach Gently: Choose a quiet time when you can talk without interruption. Avoid confronting them in an accusatory or angry way.
- Express Your Concern, Not Your Judgment: Start by expressing your love and concern. “I’ve noticed you seem to be struggling lately, and I’m worried about you. I love you, and I’m here to listen.”
- Be Specific (But Gentle): If you’ve seen physical signs, you can mention them calmly: “I noticed some marks on your arm, and I’m concerned. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
- Listen, Listen, Listen: This is the most important step. Let them talk, even if it’s difficult to hear. Avoid interrupting, lecturing, or trying to “fix” it immediately. Your goal is to understand their pain.
- Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge their pain, even if you don’t understand the self-harm itself. “It sounds like you’re going through a really tough time,” or “I can see you’re in a lot of pain.”
- Reassure Them You’re There: Make it clear that you want to help, that they are not alone, and that you will support them through this. “We’ll get through this together.”
- Avoid Blame or Guilt: Do not make them feel guilty or ashamed. Self-harm is a symptom of distress, not a moral failing.
- Focus on Safety: Gently ask if they have hurt themselves and if they are safe. If you believe they are in immediate danger, seek help right away.
What NOT to Do: Common Pitfalls to Avoid
- Don’t Panic or Overreact: While your internal alarm bells will be screaming, try to remain outwardly calm.
- Don’t Shame or Blame: Phrases like “Why would you do that?” or “Don’t you know how much that hurts me?” are unhelpful and can push them further away.
- Don’t Dismiss Their Feelings: “It’s just a phase” or “You have nothing to be sad about” invalidates their pain.
- Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep: Such as promising not to tell anyone if you know professional help is needed.
- Don’t Try to Fix It Alone: Self-harm is a complex issue that requires professional support.
Where to Get Help: Crucial Resources
If you suspect your child is self-harming, or if they confide in you, seeking professional help is paramount. You don’t have to carry this burden alone.
- In an emergency (UK): If your child is in immediate danger or has a serious injury, call 999.
- Childline: Free, confidential helpline for children and young people. Call 0800 1111.
- NSPCC: For adults concerned about a child. Call 0808 800 5000.
- Samaritans: For anyone struggling to cope. Call 116 123 (free, confidential, 24/7).
- YoungMinds: Provides mental health support for young people and parents. Visit their website for resources and a helpline for parents.
- Mind: Mental health charity offering information and support.
- Your GP: Your family doctor can be a first point of contact, offering advice and referrals to mental health services.
- Local CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services): Often accessed via GP referral, these services provide specialist support for young people’s mental health.
Recognising the signs of self-harm in your child is the first, brave step towards their recovery. It’s a journey that requires patience, understanding, and professional support, but with your love and commitment, your child can find healthier ways to cope and heal.